Before Ollie, there was Zöe (our beautiful little girl). The key word there is “girl.” I say this because the diaper changing experience is incredibly different with this little guy. Ollie has, what we call around the house, a weaponized baby dick. What I mean by this is that I’ve no doubt it was bioengineered by the Unites States government as a pee-launching mini-canon. I’m not at liberty to disclose more details as there is a very conspicuous black SUV following me around and I fear for my life.
As a man, I’ve had a penis my whole life. It’s safe to say that I know my way around that fella. I grew up with one and I’ve had to care for it, like the noble appendage that he is. It’s the light-saber to my Jedi. But these last 33 years couldn’t have prepared me for Ollie. There have been cringe-worthy moments and some seriously hilarious ones.
It all started with the decision on whether or not to have Ollie circumcised. Did the pros outweigh the cons? Would the decision be biased and stem from my own experience? Asparagus or mushroom? In the end, the decisions were based on a combination of both the benefits and my upbringing. We went ahead with the circumcision, and the doctor promised us a penis that would be the envy of porn stars around the globe.
What came next was not entirely expected. We were told there would be some inflammation, but Ollie came back with a penis that could have contained it’s own blazing sun inside. It radiated red like an ember. He seemed to have been oblivious to it all, but as parents, Lori and I were a little heartbroken for the kid. It had to hurt, right? It sure as hell looked like it did. If he peed, would steam rise from that blazing coal? Thankfully, Ollie took it like a champ.
The healing process was nerve wrecking. It went from looking like the red sun of Krypton to developing a yellowish scab-like shell (all perfectly normal is seems). Is that a cocoon? Was my son’s penis in the chrysalis stage? Would it eventually sprout wings and flutter about, cross-pollinating? Thankfully, none of that was even remotely possible. The toughest part for us was cleaning it when he would crap his diaper. You’re not supposed to actually wipe it if you can help it. I completely understand why. It would be like grazing a Brillo Pad on a sunburn (Shit, I just gave myself chills.) For each diaper change, we had to coat a square of gauze with Vaseline and place it over the blazing ding-dong of doom so the diaper wouldn’t stick to it. That process was on rotation, countless times a day, for a couple of weeks.
Ultimately, it led to a healed and less high maintenance newborn peen. No more Vaseline or gauze! Be gone, blazing red penis from Hell! All praise little baby Buddha! But alas, the fun didn’t stop there. This is a penis we’re talking about here. One that Ollie hasn’t been certified in handling yet. I wont overwhelm you with too much more here. Let me just leave you with this instead:
Beware the unpredictability of a little boy’s penis. Baby erections will happen at any time, and more than likely, when you least expect it. A steady stream of pee, capable of impressive distances, usually follows this. During diaper changes, Ollie has pissed on Lori, himself and me countless times. That weaponized baby dick is locked and loaded. It has been a great source of laughter for us, as we fight against time to cover this ballistic weapon with whatever shield we can get our hands on. There is such a thing as a Pee-pee Teepee (laugh it up, chuckles… it exists), and though this was created with good reason, a squirmy baby will knock it right off and leave you just as vulnerable.
FINAL THOUGHTS: If you’re having a baby boy, mentally prepare yourself for the caring of a circumcision if that is the route you’ve decided to take. Also, look out for those micro-stiffies and the very dependable sprinkle that will follow. These little Padawans have never handled a light-saber before, and the only Force they know of is the one they make when they poop. So train them well and they’ll grow up to be responsible penis wielding Jedi.
May the Force be with you.